Diary from Thursday 21 May

21/05/09
Session with Grace. I overdid things yesterday, shopping, hair done, (preparation for party at Wareham), lunch out and I am exhausted with worrying about making the journey to Wareham. I cannot bear to disappoint people and let people down. They need my help and support in Wareham and without me ...?
I am completely negative, nervous, shaky, stubborn and indecisive!
Grace helps me realise that I do not need to go to Wareham at all – and I can say that my counsellor does not recommend it etc. Perhaps I should think of myself and my mental health and not worry about the effect on others or what they think of me. She says that she is very concerned about me and thinks I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Grace is on holiday next week and suggests I see a GP during the week – she thinks I should not return to work yet and I should stay here amongst my own belongings where I can sleep as I feel I need to – I will see her Monday 1 June 11.00 am.
I e-mail Chris and Annette a very careful message about not going to Wareham and staying here – instant mega supportive reply from them.
Friday 22 May
Telephone call with Chris – very supportive and I am quite tearful today so she can hear it in my voice. I am weeping!
What triggers my weeping? Touching kindness of people and music that moves me performed by people on the television – guitar or children.
I am still troubled about the effect the thought of work is having on my nerves. Chris thinks it may be time for new beginnings.
I telephone Veronica and Ruby. They met at the Willington Garden Centre last Saturday and the food was rubbish. They have arranged to meet there again tomorrow – I wonder why but say I will get there. There should be six of us there at least.
I make a simple pasta dish – minced beef with a cheat sauce and then I boil pasta - with love.
Saturday 23 May
Nightmares about CI. Get up a few times to dispel the sound of her voice and the words that are said. Return to bed to pull in positive energies from people and remember strategies that I have learnt over the years for coping with this. I cannot change the dream, as I used to be able to.
Also predict that I will see someone I know at the garden centre – a couple.
I realise that all of this stress is associated with work – I can feel my chest pulling at the very thought of it. I pass C House in the bus on the way to Willington Garden Centre. I feel so fearful and tearful.
Have lunch with friends – yes, the food is rubbish. But a chance to catch up with friends and discuss my idea of leaving work, retiring, then finding things to do or an alternative job. Mixed reactions – from you could find a completely different job like my friend who works 2 mornings a week at ....... – you can take some time .. – don’t make any decisions for at least 2 months.
I see a couple that I once knew at the garden centre. I am gobsmacked. They were both special people to me - tutors of IT and Yoga at Biddenham. I see them enjoying time with a daughter and grandchild. In normal circumstances I would have loved to go over and talk to them, but I am still tearful and would not want to ever spoil their obvious joy. But good memories.
Ruby comes back to Bedford with me. I am having a good day and Ruby and Veronica arrange to meet me for lunch at Pizza Hut on Bank Holiday Monday. I will meet Ruby at the bus station at 11.45am.
I am sure I made the right decision in not going to Wareham. The journey would have been exhausting and I have been careful to conserve my energy. There will be great excitement, perhaps, with my brothers and sisters and I am not sure I would be up to coping with that.
Major breakthrough today. I saw that Paul next door has his washing drying on the patio so I open one patio door – for the first time in three months! I left it open for half an hour – but it is a major accomplishment for me.
As a treat I am now turning my simple pasta dish into a more delicious meal for myself. I will cook some pasta and mix it with the sauce, then I will sprinkle some cheese on top. Then I will put it into my new Halogen oven where it will cook to perfection – or will I? I do need Ruby to help me with this.
A new challenge for me – I am competing with Papa Gigis!
I cannot believe how calm I feel. All home and no work is a good recipe. I know I have the next week off work with a sick note. But I will allow a few days off for enjoyment and relaxation and then face the real need to visit a GP and face the next week ahead.
Sunday 24 May
I get a taxi to Tescos, no buses today. I do a good shop and intend to do some good cooking.
Mike’s birthday. I am not there. I give out positive vibes for the party and give out love for all of the people there.
I sleep a lot and walk to the river where I indulge in a 99 ice cream. It is so good to sleep as I want. I desperately want to tell myself that I am well but the very thought of work puts me into a mega stress situation! I know that I can now be very positive in my chat with people and can appear to be very up-beat. My outward confidence is returning gradually.
I am very good at hiding how I really feel. Probably everyone is.
Monday 25 May
Veronica parks her car outside my door and we walk into town. It took 14 minutes but she is not used to walking and was worn out.
We meet Ruby and have a lovely lunch in Pizza Hut - and decide to repeat the experience at some time. We go to the Pilgrims Progress for coffee. I order a taxi to take Veronica and I back to my flat.
It was a lovely leisurely way to spend a Bank Holiday.
They both say that I don’t need counselling, that I should give up the counselling and “go it alone”. Ruby says counselling is “a load of kismet”. I look that up on the Internet but cannot find it at all.
Perhaps counselling has made me into a wiser soul.
I have so much energy now – not tired any more - and the only thing that upsets me is the thought of work – the idea of working – going into the building – seeing the heap of work on my desk – forgetting what to do with it – failing in front of my students etc. It is very clear to me exactly where my stress lies.
Tuesday 26 May
I need to arrange for a sick note from my GP. I hate making doctor’s appointments on the phone so, true to my usual behaviour,I take the free bus into town and walk to the surgery. Face to face contact is the best way for me, and I have a telephone appointment for tomorrow with Doc Thomas. I am sure there will be no problem – but even if there is I know that I cannot possibly return to work next week. Decision made, I can relax.
I open one French door wide and secure it. I haven’t done that for over three months. The day I was attacked I only had it open a tiny bit. I remember Grace saying I don’t need another hit on the head. I can feel safe in this place, with this rubbish garden. I see Paul – we talk about me opening the door and he tells me that he is around – so now I can feel really secure.
I create a delicious minced beef dish for me. I am not mastering the use of the Halogen oven. It isn’t doing what I expect it to. The cooked food is cold! I can’t find the instruction booklet that came with it. I will get useful information from the Internet.
My brain is reluctant to adapt from a microwave which won’t take any foil etc. to a container which I can use as a normal oven!
I feel decisive, secure, confident and positive within myself. Perhaps this is a good base from which to work forwards with Grace. But it is easy now, away from work, to feel like this.
I am fit to live but not fit to work! The very thought of work really disturbs me – I am such a coward, if I could simply resign or retire tomorrow, I would.
Wednesday 27 May
I feel fully energised. Keep GP telephone appointment and collect a sick note for two weeks from today.
Eat a lunch in the Chinese buffet restaurant. Meet two women who are lunching there for the first time. Delightful encounter.
I get the bus to Kingsway and walk to Rope Walk. In Currys I buy a freezer which will be delivered tomorrow. Such progress – the indecision and negativity have really gone!
Thursday 28 May
Chris phones to see how I am. She tells me how she feels post-party and how she felt pre-party. All is well in the world now that the party is done and dusted. She needs to talk to me. That’s fine, I now understand – thank you Grace.
She asks how I am and I explain that I feel fine and energised, except for the thought of work. She says work is an important part of our lives. But I say that the thought of it horrifies me – that is just the way that it is for me.
I cannot bear the thought of work but I am an educator. I tell her that seeing a counsellor for one hour in a whole week is not a “cure-all”.
Thus I educate - seeing a GP who gives you a sick note gives you more time off of work, but doesn’t contribute to your healing. My GP says “You have been through a bad time.” I was treated by the emergency services when I was hit on the head. At A & E the police interviewed me and I had eight stitches put in my head. There was no follow up at all about the severity of the blow upon my head. That is my private concern about the fact that my head feels sore still. I have been confused. I was criminally assaulted with a blow to the head. How bad was the impact – is there any record of that, I think not...?
So I tell Chris that seeing a counsellor for one hour a week is an education. Grace is teaching me strategies for coping - ? So Chris is now happy and I continue to “play the game” but, now I understand what I am doing and why ..... I am the parent and she is the child.
I am so excited about receiving the delivery of my freezer. It is not to be. The telephone number says 9-1 delivery. It doesn’t happen. I go on the Internet and then get conflicting information. I phone Currys and they say that my reference number has been changed. My original number was cancelled. Noone told me.
Friday 29 May
Chris has e-mailed me photos of the party. Everyone looks so old! They are, of course, as no young people were invited.
My freezer will be delivered this afternoon. I go to Tescos and buy containers and ingredients to cook food to store in freezer. I cook impressive bol and pork casserole. I have chicken, crispy potato slices and potato wedges to store in the freezer.
I find a halogen oven cookbook on the Internet and buy it. Onwards and upwards!
Energy and enthusiasm for life are renewed but thoughts of work are horrific. Slowly, slowly perhaps.
Saturday 30 May
Meet Ruby at the bus station. We go to Clapham and find a lovely pub which is new to us all – the Horse and Groom. I have a lovely chat with Marlene in the garden, overlooking the river. She is an understanding, caring person. Ruby and I have coffee in Pilgrims Progress.
Britain’s Got Talent on the TV makes me weep – so moving and entertaining.
Sunday 31 May
Quiet day. It is the balloon festival. I am contemplating my counselling session tomorrow. The last session was so difficult as I was quite distraught – I almost refused to take Grace’s advice. I was so caught up in worries that I now know were pointless and stupid. But I turned my indecision into positive nurturing of myself.
Monday 1 JUNE
Awful dream in the night – I see a fat middle aged man walking through my patio door! Very disturbing, so I get up early, relax and return to bed. It was so real and reminds me of the blow to the head and the realisation that no one has any idea who did it.
Bump into Rob Hamilton on the way to counselling. He has given up with John Dixon. After five sessions (paid for by the education service) he is convinced that, at the age of 40, he can never re-programme himself. I tell him that I know this can be done. I learn that he broke down in front of his boss and will return to work next Monday. I feel very concerned that he is dismissing this all too quickly. He tells me that Eve told him that the college have treated me very badly. I agree. He says I must not resign as this would please CI.
Amazing session with Grace. She is very surprised at my renewed energy and gobsmacked that I opened my patio doors and bought a freezer etc. It is, for the first time, a very positive session. I am returning to the normal Margaret but recognise that I still need to take things slowly.
We discuss my attitude to work. I still get upset just thinking about work, looking at the venue and addressing any issues about work. My next personal goal is to do something with the work papers that are in my flat, on the bookcase etc. They are lesson plans etc. which I may or may not need again. Grace helps me work out a strategy that could help me deal with these papers.
I have a problem even looking at these papers so have no idea whether they are – could be – important for my teaching. I need to take time.
I tell Grace about my talent for writing teaching material. I have the basis for writing an ESOL/Literacy package which I think is brilliant and have, thus far, tried and tested the first 22 pages of reading and quizzes with my own students.
We talk about my obvious desire to leave work altogether. Grace gets me to voice my wants. It often helps to say the words out loud. Multiple stuff going on here – hearing, saying, seeing, articulating, gesticulating, expressing, role playing,
I feel that if I could resign or retire then all of the work stress will be gone forever. She comes up with an idea that I could put off any decision but I say that I am no good about being undecided about decision making. When I make a decision I usually act on it.
Plan is I make an appointment to see the lady doctor for my next sick note – thus not immediate. I talk to Glenys at HR and tell her that I am still with my GP and still with my counsellor, should I consider leaving work what would I need to do?
Grace articulates that she can see a sign saying “Margaret Stockley is available for private tutoring.” This is a wonderful visualisation for me to take away from the session.
I will visit the education centre in Harpur Street and join.
Grace invited me to make an appointment to see her next Monday at 11, with the opportunity to change that, should something else come up at the new education centre. Maybe she is inviting me to make another positive step – with changing my appointment as a further step forward. She is the expert here.
Tuesday 2 June
Today I resign – it is huge.
Tomorrow I tell my sons.
Life is weird. Grace took my e-mail address. I don’t have hers. I really need to see her. Time is crazy.
A man is putting a useless gate in the garden.

I'm done with stress. I'm not over it completely and have to discipline myself to go slowly for now.

I have been off work for ages and there is no way I can keep on teaching. All my tutor pals tell me to stay on the payroll and "screw the college". I am recovering from stress and don't have that sort of fight. I have to make decisions based on me alone - not the college or the students. Grace has been a huge huge help in all of this. My GP has been great.

I have officially handed in my notice and am now jobless. I think this will be a real relief for me. Glenys Taverner from the Human Resources department at the college has been absolutely wonderful - so understanding, helpful and supportive. I have spoken to her on the phone and we have e-mailed each other. I e-mailed her my notice yesterday morning and she says she will take care of everything else. Officially, I am supposed to give two months notice, but Glenys says that my health is the most important thing and she will agree to whatever date I want.

The political implications of this are that the college will be delighted if I resign - the sooner the better - it will save them money. They hire and fire without any heart at all. So Glenys is caught up in the system but she has been so kind.

I will collect another sick note next Monday which will give me to the end of next week off sick, and then I will not have a job. This means I will not have an income for a while, but I can manage with my savings and can then decide how to earn money - I can do office work etc. There has to be something less stressful than working for the institution that calls itself a college and pretends to care about the students ...........

Interestingly, yesterday the gardener arrived! He was putting in a gate that will give us access to the Paddocks. This will not make the garden any more secure and Steven (the gardener) tells me it is the cheapest job on the list of "to do" for the landlord.

Even that failed as Steven found he needs to spend money on the concrete posts required for such a gate – no way will the landlord fork out for that. So now we have the original piece of wood, purporting to be a gate, unsecured from anything – there are now two pieces of tree trunk holding up the gate/pretend gate.

So much distress caused by a criminal assault. I need to seek legal support. I know I am entitled to legal compensation. But how to go about it?

05/06

So distressed. I am in bits. Poor Mark listens to my tearful sobs yet again.

How could I give birth to such a special person?

He will take me out to dinner on Tuesday. But I have to do something to help myself before then. Eating dinner does not sound attractive to me.

Perhaps I could buy him a take-away. I could pound his ears and he will give me a huge hug!

06/06

Quiet day. Low – don’t meet friends. Weep all day.

07/06

Feel physically sick all day – keep heaving – it is awful – wretching over the toilet.

I cannot go anywhere, not even to the local shops.

I am sick eventually. Why? I didn’t have a good night’s sleep last night and woke up a few times to drink some orange juice – not orange squash. Perhaps I should have watered the orange juice down with water. I eat nothing all day and only drink water, but decide in the evening that I need to eat.

So phone Papa Gigis and order a pasta dish. I walk in the fresh air and collect the pasta dish. You would think I was a starved person if you could see the way I ate the pasta dish! So delicious and I felt so much better.

08/06/09 Preparation for counselling –

Emotions all over the place. Now no job – emotions too much all over the place. No job = rid of stress.

Income – no need to rush at all.

Grace Dixon puts me back together yet again.

Once I get my brain together again

– work, need to meet for exit meeting etc. Remove personal belongings from the office at Cauldwell House. Take time.

Tuesday 9 May

Very distressed morning – too tearful to go out at all. But Mark came in the evening. My God! It’s like talking to my counsellor. He is so lovely and takes me out for a meal to celebrate that I have given up my job.

About the letter inviting me to an exit meeting at the college, he says I need go nowhere – I am too stressed to go to the college. He deals with the letter from Bedford College, helps me compose a reply and puts it in the envelope ready to post. It explains that I am suffering from PTSD and asks that they calculate my holidays in my absence.

We spoke about NLP. He is so interesting. I will learn something about it from the web or buy a book.

Mark puts my z bed in the cellar and, at my request, brings up the case of papers from my counselling 12 years ago. I cannot deal with them yet but they are conveniently available and are a powerful reminder of successfully dealing with stuff and moving forward.

I went to bed so calm and had a stress free sleep.

Wednesday 10 June

Bus into town. Bought stuff for counselling project. Decided on another project – I will write about the Austrian holiday. It will make me laugh – I am remembering more hilarious things about it.

Thursday 11 June

I decide to make the most of the day and buy some clothes in town. I go to Lenwells and ask about the gate and garden. Kate is always lovely and says once the gate is done the work in the garden will follow. I am so stressed that she reminds me about her sister’s assault and how Victim Support in Kempston helped her sister get compensation.

I look up the address of Victim Support on the Internet and visit them. Marissa sees me and she will help me fill in the forms. I am still shaking and find it difficult to write anything by hand.

I have an appointment to see her next Friday. This is the start of the compensation process and a huge step forward for me. The process will take a long time but it is now started.

Friday 12 June

A major day! I keep an appointment with Dr Alison Hayes. Apparently the surgery were keen to see me as I have had so many sick notes and they have not seen me at all.

Alison was lovely and I told her I have given up my job. She was totally supportive. She completely approved that I have taken away the cause of my stress. I was very stressed out at the appointment and she confirmed that I would be going through some sort of grieving process. I recalled how crap the college have been.

I told her that my sons and counsellor were completely supportive of my brave and positive decision/action. My twin and friends all believe that I have done the wrong thing and that only adds to my stress as I need support and encouragement. She said that as they see me get better they will realise that I have made the right decision.

I suggested I could do with a massage or shiatsu and asked her if she knew anyone. She explained that the docs have no contacts with complementary medicine or massage people. Thinking about it I suppose they cannot align themselves to anyone. She did offer to look on the Internet for me then and there, bless her. I told her I could do that.

She told me to do nothing – take things slowly – be lazy for a while – make no decisions – don’t enrol on classes. I felt so much better after seeing her. I have decided to do puzzles again and completed two magazines today – I submitted the answers online.

I can feel the stress dispersing. Tomorrow I will meet friends for lunch at the Warden pub in Luton. I pray that they will be encouraging and supportive. I fear that they completely disapprove of me giving up my job.

I shared the notion that they think counselling should be banned forever, with Grace last Monday.

Saturday 13 June

Had nightmare about Chris getting cosy with T and R at Mark’s wedding. This is bringing back all the betrayals by Chris – really strong. It’s a good job she is out of the country for a while.

It’s a sunny day. Paul is sitting in his garden. I would like to bring a garden chair up from the cellar so that I can sit on the patio. Mark said the cellar is damp. I go to the cellar (with the patio door open, knowing that Paul is within shouting distance, should I have a problem). I bring up a chair which is quite heavy and has signs of white on it, from the damp. But I wipe off the white and the chair looks pristine! I have the notion that I could store the chairs in the concrete shed. I have the key to the shed and check it out. It seems dry.

I now have a wooden chair in my living room that I would like to take on to the patio. But it is too heavy for me to move here, there and everywhere.

I decide to treat myself to a brown handbag. Now I have leisurely time on my hands I can allow myself time to maintain more than one handbag and to look nicer. I decide that tomorrow I could put a colour on my hair. I have boxes of Harmony in my cupboard that I haven’t felt like using for months.

I meet Ruby at the bus station and we go to the Warden in Luton. I am completely normal today. I feel a huge relief that I now have no job at the college. We meet up with Veronica and Doreen S.

Ruby and Veronica were really interested to learn about the Bedford Guild House and want me to get information for them. I must be careful here that they do the organising for themselves once I get the information. Once I may have feared that they would follow me on to my courses – but they will have no interest in my particular interests.

Marlene is planning a few “events” at her house – an opportunity to share food whilst we watch the Wimbledon men’s final – and a Chinese cooking demonstration. She and I are arranging to attend a free weekend workshop on NLP and today we booked the weekend of 24/25 September – it’s local at Hexton.

I am really enjoying puzzling again. It satisfies my love of words, solving clues (although simple ones), being creative, being competitive, relaxing, being productive, using my brain etc.

Sunday 14 June

Bus to MK. Shop at Wiatrose. Sunny day. Complete lots of puzzles.

Monday 15 June

Counselling session with Grace. I am so calm, no stress. Chris is out of the country so I am enjoying a break too. It was such a lovely session, lots of positivity and lots of laughs! I am feeling such relief that I do not need to go the workplace that has caused me so much stress.

We spoke about my relationship with Chris and her way of talking to me and her attitude to me. She reminded me that Chris had the same parents as me and the same childhood as me, so if she cannot remember bad things that is because she doesn’t want to. Chris seems to behave like our mother, wanting me to be a good child. Thank you Grace for that one.

I found it interesting to learn that Grace never takes notes after her sessions. She did so for years and then realised that she never referred to them. She just remembers things to do with each person. She loves her job and it doesn’t seem like work to her. She has helped me more than she can realise.

Grace pointed out that four people – Mark, Kate at Lenwells, Marissa at Victim Support and Doctor Alison Hayes have all validated my reasons for being stressed. That was what I needed. Grace was delighted at my progress and at my way of completing the puzzles. She encouraged me to join the Guild House and find a new set of friends but told me to take it slowly and to take my time over everything.

I identified that I need to collect my personal belongings from the college (Sounds Write etc.) Again, Grace says not to rush, just do as I feel. I also identified that I need to see Steve Pritchard and I will give him a ring.

Grace went over the major things that I have had to deal with, starting with my childhood – my goodness – and said that I have worked hard. She is proud of me.

After seeing Grace I had a buffet lunch at The Orchard – very nice and it felt quite decadent. I shopped in town and bought some things for my kitchen – containers for pasta and rice etc. This is all so good for the soul. My normal instincts are to go rushing ahead so I will make the effort to go slowly and take my time.

Friday 19 June

Felt sick and was sick overnight. Feeling a bit low, lacking in confidence. Need to get strong. When is my next session with Grace? I think Tues week – I find the date and time in my book – Tuesday week at 11.00am.

I cancel my appointment with Marissa at Victim Support. Perhaps thinking about it made me sick. I am not ready to go over the events of the assault again.

I speak with Ruby on the phone. Only she and I are available for lunch tomorrow and she has the chance to go out – so she is going out. Thus there is no one for me to have lunch with tomorrow.

Saturday 20 June

I am feeling really angry with Ruby today. She would not have been happy had the roles been reversed and I had left her on her own at lunchtime on a Saturday.

I buy two summer special magazines and complete the puzzles. I go to Lenwells and ask them to remove the padlock from the inner gate and tell Paul and Alison that I have done so.

I have lunch at the Chinese buffet – I am determined not to be done out of a meal out.

I am thrilled to get a very long e-mail from Phil – congratulating me on giving up my job and telling me to go slow. I look at Velvet’s new web site and make a comment on their Facebook page. I then e-mail Mark, Louisa and Phil. Phil reminds me of the horrendous assault and I find myself looking out at the garden and wondering if it was all a dream.

Sunday 21 June

I dream about the assault but wake up feeling calm and peaceful. Fruit for breakfast and I return to bed for an unusual lie-in. I need to rest and plan my day.

For the first time in days I play a computer game – it is relaxing.

I walk into town and buy 6 puzzle magazines and food from M & S. I am feeling content today – I think Phil’s e-mail has again validated the stress. Thank you Grace for that notion.

My e-mail to Annette

Hi Annette Thanks so much for your e-mail. You made me feel quite nostalgic when you told me about your time in Swanage. My most special day in Swanage was 3 September 1962 when I started working at the bank and I have many fond memories of you working at the hairdressers, so near to the bank. Today is Fathers Day and it is very poignant that we can remember both of us working in Swanage and Dad working so near in his shop. I am feeling quite nervous about tomorrow as I have no counselling. It has been my weekly rock for ages - Grace has stuck me together so many times over the last months. I plan on doing THREE things tomorrow - joining the Bedford Guild House - visiting a curtain company to see if they will come and measure up my windows then make the curtains (and blinds) and fit them - visiting a therapy centre to seek some shiatsu or similar support for my body (as you can imagine tense muscles etc.). Plus, FOUR, I think I should be considering having a holiday. I fear that this could all be a bit ambitious on my part. But, hey, I have to go for it ! I am so pleased that Vanessa is OK. I think you should be congratulated. Life is complicated, as you know, but winning a tin of Asda baked beans is something to celebrate.

Monday 22 June

Today I am sad that I have no counselling until next Tuesday. I missed my session with Grace.

I decide to do 4 things – Join Bedford Guild House and enrol on something
Visit Concorde Blinds in Kempston
Go to St. Neots and look at the Therapy Centre
Phone Steve and make an appointment

I joined Bedford Guild House and learned that you simply turn up for a class and tell reception who will then take you to the class. I will join Creative Writing next Monday. I had a cup of tea there but it was a miserable experience as I didn’t know anyone and no one spoke to me.

I took the number 2 bus to Kempston and asked the driver to give me a shout at the Woburn Industrial Estate. He forgot so I did the whole circular journey. No Concorde Blinds today.

I went to St. Neots and had a light lunch at The Priory. They have a lovely big screen – I watched some of Wimbledon. How I wish I could go there. I bought some reading glasses and completely forgot about looking at the Therapy Centre. Another day ...

This is the most active I have been for months. I feel exhausted but it was good to be out and about again.

I phoned Steve and made an appointment for next Tuesday at 2.00 pm. I cried and cried after the phone call. I don’t know how I can tell him about the assault, but I need to because I seem to have ignored his letter. I have no idea how he can help with my finances. I am not making any major decisions and really need everything in writing. I am thinking of what Grace would say about my weeping and I think she would say I should allow it and not try to fight it.

Wednesday 24 June

I am remembering the story about the bank robbery that I want to write. This reminds me of sitting with my mother. I was staying with Phil on the IOW and visited my mother. I told her I was writing and she was so alarmed! It clearly troubled her and she asked if I was writing about her. This was definitely the time when she showed that she knew that I knew what she had done! But that was before I retrieved my memory. All I knew was that at that time I felt sick in my stomach when I sat near her. Is that a clue as to why I have been sick a few times lately? Could be.

How weird things are. When I was with Mark (after the assault on my head) he had no TV and he was surprised that I chose to watch Jeremy Kyle on my laptop computer. I have huge respect for Jeremy Kyle as he and his team have helped so many people. I am sorry that the Jeremy Kyle Academy programme seems to have disappeared.

I went to Lenwells. I was very tearful. Ruth was lovely, as ever. Ruth was honest. Kate has always said that once the gate was installed the garden would be made lovely by her brother. What lies! Ruth said that nothing has happened to any tennant before like what happened to me. Noone envisages it will happen again and it would be too expensive for a landlord to change the garden. I respect Ruth’s honesty.

Ruth has put it into my court that I get access to the Paddock by contacting the people (unknown) who have put a paddock on the gate accessing the Paddock. Is it not my right, by way of paying rent to have access to the Paddock?

Saturday 27 June

Went to the Greyhound at Haynes for lunch. All arranged to go to Marlene’s next Sunday, we will take food at about midday and watch the Wimbledon final. Veronica says if I arrange to meet up with Ruby she will drive us up to Marlenes.